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NEW YORK WASTE, March 2011



So it's the day after CHRISTMAS and it's a Sunday, so that means I have a show at OTTO's SHRUNKEN HEAD.


I have 3 bands scheduled and MOTHER NATURE has threatened snow. Big Deal! They're always telling us it's gonna snow real bad and nothing major happens, so it's on with the show.

I shoveled the sidewalk as soon as I got to the bar and everything is looking good.

3 bands are scheduled and they're all here already. Between the first and the second band, I shovel the snow again. Things are looking good. We got about 20 - 25 people in the bar, but it's early still.

The 3rd band is on stage and I'm outside shoveling the sidewalk, again, and by the time I've finished, it needs to be done again, because it's worse than when I started.

Decision made to stop shoveling and close early so we can get home before it gets worse.

My friend ERIC has a VOLVO and offers to drive me home to Canarsie and I accept! We go outside and it takes us a half hour to dig his car out because the snow plows plowed him in. We go back in and have our drinks for the road and off we go!

LANI FORD (bartender) and MIKE are gonna ride with us. LANI lives close and MIKE lives in DUMBO, which is on the way. We pull down the gate and are in the car, ready to go at 11:45pm. And we're off!

We turn down Ave. B and realize it hasn't been plowed. We proceed to run every light, red or green. LANI's worried (Texas girl) about an accident but we're the only people nuts enough to be out there at this point. Plus if we stop, we may never get moving again.

We make it to DELANCEY and ESSEX Streets where LANI decides to jump out and go to the deli and walk the last block to her house (as the roads were impenetrable).

The WILIAMSBURG BRIDGE (which is right there) is blocked by stalled cars , so we decide to take the MANHATTAN BRIDGE, and head for the Bowery.

OH! Did I mention we had no windshield wipers?

The fuse had blown and it's one of those new ones so we couldn't use aluminum foil to fix it. No problem, ERIC is wiping his side while leaning out the car AND driving, then he hands it to me and I lean out my side and wipe the window.

OH! Did I mention that the stick on the scraper/brush had broken when we were digging the car out (along with the rear spoiler - which ERIC quickly broke off the rest of the way and threw out)! So all we had was the Brush part!

Then I realized we had a sun roof, so I started hanging out that and brushing off the front windshield as we drove. We weren't going that fast 'cause the snow was coming down like a mothafucka! We end up getting caught behind a bunch of cars stuck in the snow, only 3 blocks from the bridge. We have to back up, so I'm up in the sun roof facing backwards and directing traffic. (If we would have tried to turn around we would have gotten stuck also). All of the roads and approaches to the MANHATTAN BRIDGE are blocked to traffic.

So we back up and now we're clear on Delancey and headed to Broadway and figure we'll head over the BROOKLYN BRIDGE. Some moron spins out near us and we skid into a snow bank trying to avoid him.

We were there for an hour and a half trying to dig our way out. I had left OTTO's shovel at the bar but we had ERIC's, I thought. It seems that his shovel had broken off the stick when we were digging out his car at OTTO's. BUT... he left the shovel part behind and all we had was the handle. So now we're trying to dig our way out with 2 sticks and me occasionally pissing under the tires to melt away the snow. (We all had been at the bar since 5:00pm, we had a lot of piss to spare!) We finally got some kids with shovels to help us out and we were on the road again.

We were almost on the Bridge when we became stuck behind a bunch of cars and SNOW PLOWS! They were stuck too, because they weren't allowed to plow the cars. We were in front of F.B.I. headquarters and soon there were men with guns all over from Homeland Security making sure we weren't trying to blow them up! SHIT! Terrorists have enough brains not to go out in weather like this. With the help of some nice guys from the garbage trucks we were able to get moving again. This was after we were blocked in by one of those cheap Chinese buses that drove straight into a snow bank and then tried to walk away and leave the bus. He almost got killed by all of us.

All this time there's a girl screaming into her phone in the back seat of the car.

OH! Did I forget to mention that somehow this CRAZY BITCH jumped into the car with us, begging us to take her to Brooklyn. ERIC said OK! That was somewhere when we were stuck in the snow bank.

She's going on over the phone with her boyfriend about trying to get home but there are NO TRAINS running! She was a bartender at a bar that was near where we were stuck. Anyway, I grab her phone and told loverboy, if he was so concerned, he could leave his comfy, warm house and come and get her or SHUT THE FUCK UP!

We end up moving again on a different approach to the BROOKLYN BRIDGE but that was blocked by stalled cars also! ERIC and I look at each other and say "BATTERY TUNNEL!"

At this point MIKE decides he's getting out of the car and he'll walk over the bridge, so we don't have to double back to DUMBO for him. We have now been on the road for over 2 hours and we're STILL IN MANHATTAN! By the time we got to the Tunnel we found that ALL of the different entrances were blocked by more stalled cars and trucks. ERIC and I decide, "Oh well, MIDTOWN TUNNEL!".

We manage to get on the FDR headed north and get behind a garbage truck with a snow plow. We figured we got it made to the bridge, right? WRONG! The plow tried to go up the ramp but there were too many cars blocking the way so we had to back down the ramp to the FDR. He said he HAD to go to Brooklyn, so we decided we were gonna follow him, 'cause if anyone was gonna make it, it was gonna be the garbage truck with the plow!

Sure enough we make it over the WILLIAMSBURG BRIDGE and arrive in Brooklyn at 3:15AM! We decide we'll follow a fire truck instead of the plow. WRONG! We got stuck for another half hour, right over the BQE which was plowed and moving. We just couldn't get to it. ERIC wanted to drive off road but I told him that only works in the movies and TV. I got out of the car to pee again, and also to get away from the CRAZY BITCH who was still yelling at her boyfriend, who wanted to know who she was partying with! I noticed the bodega was open so I went in and bought another 6-pack!

She starts screaming, "YOU CAN'T DRINK & DRIVE WITH ME IN THE CAR!" I told her the doors were unlocked and she could leave anytime she wanted, besides, we weren't driving as we hadn't moved in a half hour. Also, we were sober again because we hadn't had a drink in 3 and a half hours, when we left OTTO's.

At this point ERIC and I were really over all of her drama in the back seat, so I asked her if she was going to be performing oral sex on either of us? She said NO! I said , "THEN SHUT UP! Because whoever you're blowing has to listen to your shit, we don't! SO SHUT THE FUCK UP! or GET OUT!" She was quiet, for awhile.

We made our way to the BQE and it was moving. Finally we were on our way,but N O O O O O ! When we got to the promenade by the BROOKLYN BRIDGE, the road was blocked with stalled cars again and we had to back down an on ramp with me in the sun roof directing traffic like a tank commander.

We thought that Court Street would be clear and we would tale it to 3rd Ave and we'd be home free! WRONG!

We get directed thru DUMBO. DAMN, MIKE could have stayed in the car. We were wondering if we would find MIKE when it thawed out, curled in a fetal position, with some pigeon bones nearby. (We later found out that MIKE only made it about 20 feet onto the Bridge when he turned back and headed to the trains - but that's another story, back to us!)

We end up going up Flatbush Ave. and turned on 4th Ave. (a major thoroughfare, or so we thought). By this point the gas light had been on for awhile and we were gonna need gas soon. (With all of the back and forth rocking in the snow to get loose we used a LOT of gas!) We were 4 blocks from a gas station when once again we were stuck behind stalled cars and trucks. Thing is, the other side of 4th Ave. was plowed but we couldn't get to it because the snow was at least 4 feet high at the intersections, so we couldn't go thru.

I jumped out of the car and grabbed 2 Hot Chocolates and a Coffee for ERIC. These Arabs must live in the delis 'cause they were ALL OPEN! When I got back to the car she was bitching on the phone again, so I drank both Hot Chocolates.

I'm now back in the tank turrent directing us in reverse until we found a street that was open to 3rd Ave. (where there are a lot of Gas Stations). I remember when I was a kid, EVERY Gas Station had a little truck or jeep with a snow plow. Not anymore! There were a lot of Gas Stations open and each Gas Station had 2, sometimes 3 guys in there and they weren't even bothering to try to dig a path to the pumps.

By this point I grab her phone again and tell loverboy that he's a DIK and she's a BITCH and they deserve each other. He's threatening to kick my ass and I'm just hoping this dikhead is still awake when we drop her off, 'cause I wanna have some fun!

We finally find a Gas Station we could get in (after 20 minutes of pushing and stuff). As we're filling the tank, CRAZY BITCH gets out of the car. ERIC says, "Get in the car, QUICK, we're leaving her here. I can't take her whining anymore!" She made it back to the car just in time as we were ready to pull away.

We managed to get on the Belt Parkway and to her exit where we took another half hour to get her close enough to her house (the corner) for her to get out. I grabbed her phone and called loverboy and told him we were on the corner, come and get some, but he's as big a BITCH as her, 'cause we watched her go down the block, into her house and no one came out! PUSSY BITCH!

We made it back to the Belt Pkwy. and ERIC dropped me on my corner. I walked in my apartment at 6:45AM.

He proceeded to turn around and go straight to work!

A 7-Hour Tour! A 7-Hour Tour!

ROCK'n'ROLL, the fun just never ends!

See ya around,